Can I cook like … Donald Trump?

Can I cook like … Donald Trump? Minced meat for every meal isnt all its cracked up to be

Donald Trump is an angry guy, and I think I know why: his diet is terrible. His favourite food is meatloaf, which I agreed to cook because I thought that “meatloaf” was what Americans called beef wellington.

Beef wellington, in case you don’t know, is a delicious dish of fillet steak, covered in a mixture of paté, mushrooms and herbs, wrapped in puff pastry and then baked. It’s delightful, but I don’t know how to cook it myself, and thought that cooking à la Trump (or, more realistically, à la Trump’s chef) would be a good excuse.

But meatloaf is not beef wellington. To make meatloaf, you take minced meat, spices, stale breadcrumbs and eggs, mix them together into a kind of paste, put it in a loaf tin, bake it for two hours, then serve with some form of carbohydrate. I accompany mine with “loaded” mashed potatoes for the authentic Trump experience: that is to say, I add sour cream, milk, fried bacon and onions to regular mashed potato.

How is it? Well, it’s not beef wellington, that’s for sure, and I find my disappointment not to be eating steak, mushrooms and pastry hard to separate from my judgement of the dish. My partner, who thought meatloaf was some kind of savoury cake with mince in it, pronounces herself “relieved” with the meal, and I think on balance I am, too.

The problem with meatloaf is not that it is difficult, but that you put in a lot more effort than you get back. It requires assembling the ingredients for a good ragu (plus breadcrumbs and eggs, natch) and waiting as long as it would take to prepare a good ragu, all to make something much less appetising than a ragu.

The same is true of Trump’s preferred lunchtime snack: the hamburger. My burger à la Trump is a lot better than the burgers I made in the style of Paul Newman and Andy Warhol, but it’s still a bit disappointing. I am sure that, given time, I will be able reliably to assemble a flawless and delicious burger with just some braising steak and the right herbs every time. But that eventual good burger may never be worth the number of indifferent-to-poor burgers I will have to make to get there. Instead, it’s all-round easier to get someone to make one for me. That really is cooking like Trump.

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