Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And It’s Hilarious

Nobody truly likes going to the doctors do they? I mean, that antiseptic stench, the silence of the waiting room except for the odd groan and sniffle, and don’t get me started on those magazines.

However as far as the potential for awkward situations go, going to the doc’s can be comedy gold. From hilariously misinformed( read: dumb) patients, to physicians with a wickedly dry sense of humour, we at Bored Panda have compiled a list of occasions when physician/ patient interactions were just too funny.

Scroll down to check them out below, and don’t forget to vote for your favorite!

As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
“You remind me of my third spouse, ” she said coyly.
“Third husband? ” I asked. “How many have you had? ”
“Two.”

“Here, ” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen receptacle. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks, ” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked, ” she said.
“What’s the bad news? ” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.

When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to pacify me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing, ” he assured me. “I just appeared up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”

Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?

Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.

I gave my patient the results of her sleep survey: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back? ”

During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr Jones, a session of the minds, ” he said, giggling it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”

I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi, ” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.

The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this? ”
“What is it? ” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor talk to you about it? ”
“No.”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa! It said feet elevated! ”

I took my puppy to the veterinarian bc she had these weird bumps on her belly. As I was waiting in the exam room I suddenly realise the latter are her teats. When the veterinarian came in I sheepishly told him that I am a complete idiot. He was awesome. He said, “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to open this door and you’re just going to walk out. Don’t stop at the front desk to check out or pay, simply keep walking.”. In my defense…no. There’s no defense.

My husbandaEUR( tm) s new aEURoeunbreakableaEUR titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glass replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
aEURoeThey fell under the lawn mower, aEUR he explained.
aEURoeOh, aEUR she said , nodding. aEURoeWere you wearing them at the time? aEUR

A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: IaEUR( tm) m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, thataEUR( tm) s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! YouaEUR( tm) ve been very helpful.

Call it aEUR | carma! A auto are subordinate to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, thataEUR( tm) s where she was maintaining her urine sample, which sheaEUR( tm) d brought in to be tested.

The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, aEURoeIaEUR( tm) m positive your spouse does not have cervicitis.aEUR
She shot back, aEURoeHow do you know? You havenaEUR( tm) t analyzed him yet.aEUR

I had an 8 year old kid in the OR say “You mother fu* kers! ” right before she fell asleep.

I’m an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was “do I still have my balls? ” and I told him “yep, both of them” and he said “both? Aw you guys are great”

I once had a patient tell me he required his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.

“I have the Ebola”. “Sir, you actually had a heart attack.” “Because of the Ebola”

Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because “her daughters farts smelled too bad”
Kept a straight face.

My mom’s an ER nurse and she said once some crazy lady came in and complained hat she had the whooping coughing. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a loud “woooOOOP! “

There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.

When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, “wow , now I know what a Muppet feels like! ” He had to stop a minute to regain his composure.

It was 3am and I’d been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was depleted. A well dressed human came in with his 8 year old, healthy seeming, son. I asked him what was the problem. He said, “Well, I was at a wedding and it resulted to me that my son is a little short. Can you give him something right now to induce him taller? “

Me coming out of anesthesia: “Man, you’re handsome.”( To Asian physician .) He paused a second, then thanked me.

I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse what mascara she was wearing.

When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spend! ” My dad said he couldn’t stop laughing because I wouldn’t leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my father why my teeth were in a plastic purse on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.

Answered the bed alarm for a 90 year old this evening.
Nurse: “Where are you going? “
Patient: “I have to go.”
Nurse: “Where? “
Patient: “Well I don’t wanna be here.”
Me too, dame. Me too.

I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, “Oh, my , no, that’s far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn’t be concerned with such things.”
I didn’t bother pointing out that I’m not a dame. I figured if she didn’t notice the beard, then she wasn’t going to understand an explanation either.

One of my 5 patients tonight maintains screaming maybe once every 2 minutes, running “OWWWWWW !!! ” as if she’s looking at a handsome man. I’ve asked her several times why she’s call( waiting to see if she’s in any pain) and her answers range from “I didn’t know I was hollering, ” to “It’s a habit.”

Went about an anal problem. The doctor set his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were got a couple of power cuts. Sunlights dipped out, generators kicked in.
As he’s finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the illuminates used to go again. He get up and walkings out to check on things.
Fifteen minutes later I’m still sat on the bed with my old chap out and gasps around my ankles. A nurse walking past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
“….do you…do you have an appointment? “
Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.

During a yearly check-up the doc was concerned about my weight. I promised him I’d do better and next year I would be back down to a healthy weight.
Maybe a week or so afterward my doc considered me at a local tavern with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of brew. He was a bro and didn’t said so but I could see the seem of letdown in his eyes.

The stupidest thing I’ve been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn’t until I was in the doctor’s office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover-up on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.

Not a doctor but I was a Nurse’s assistant and a kitchen staff member came in and said “Help, I eat raw corn”. Apparently the cook had convinced him that feeing raw corn was poison or something. I had a good laugh about it.

I hope I’m not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, went on to say that the wife couldn’t get pregnant. They operated a couple exams, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.

Ran to the dermatologist because of a spot on my butt that I believed might be cancerous. Doc seemed me in the eye and said “Phil3 30, that’s a pimple”.

Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Marine come in because he swallowed a rock. “Why, ” I asked, puzzled, “would you swallow a rock? “
“I was hungry.”

I’ve had a few patients freak out because webMD told them that their rash was Stevens-Johnson syndrome.
Actual diagnosis: contact dermatitis from new laundry soap.

Nurse here, I work in Anaesthetics and it drives me mad the amount of patients that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that’s a side effect. Anyway the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic room morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies, I’m puzzled at this and ask her why, the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient.

Paramedic here. Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient’s skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently find a golden opportunity to ask a question that had patently been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs feed grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.

While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out( technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we devoted, “the mens” asked, “So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in? ” He was serious.

As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

My fiance is an X-ray tech. He gets weird instances all the time. He had to do a head CT on someone who came into the ER because she took two marijuana tablets and wondered why her head was foggy and she felt slow moving … Face palm.

I dated a Med student who had no idea how girls employed tampons .. He thought you “laid them sideways” along the opening to the vagina. I was rather suprised by this one..

Not a doctor, but I’m a former Special Forces-out medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn’t parent any children.

Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
She was 25.

Was translating at a medical clinic once. A parent brought in his 20 -year old son persuaded he had early signs of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After convincing thr physician that’s what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo 🙁 its sad how little some people know about diabetes

Not a doctor, dental hygienist…
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet( the cleaner) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white thumb nail polish was a bad idea.

Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can’t sit still, bouncing off the walls. I indicate perhaps easing up on the cocaine. “But doctor, I LOVE cocaine.” K.

I don’t have to deal with people patients, but I helped out a vet for a while and there’s a lot of dumb pet owneds. Had one dame who was really concerned about her obese lab get hiccups. The vet let her know the dog was overweight and she told him he was wrong and then insisted we do diagnostic tests to “figure out” the hiccups.

Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist( eye doctor ). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confounded why the “medicine in his glasses no work anymore.”

As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian couple come in and ask why they didn’t get a child. Both virgins untill marriage at 26 and 27. I entail, they did sleep with each other every night. Sleep.

A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the bellow by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning…

I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would violate his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

So , not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A& E because they needed their nails redoing … They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to collision and emergency to have their fake fingernails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.

I’m a rural family doc doing locums and was working at a city family practice clinic when I saw this patient.
21 y/ o female , not overweight, in no distress and seems quite well
Me: “so what brings you in today”
Pt: “I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack”
Me: “okay, tell me more about why you feel that. what does this ache feel like”
Pt: “like a heart attack”
Me: “oh I insure. When did you last have a heart attack that this feels like”
Pt: “I haven’t had one before. But I get this ache every time I have my period. And I’ve sent my mom to the ER twice with the same pain before so I know it’s a heart attack”
She was a non smoker who had no comorbidities, very noncardiac voicing chest pain , no risk factors and her mom that was sent in to the ED, had an EKG , no bloodwork and sent home shortly after( though patient swears both episodes were heart attacks ).

I asked a patient complaining of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with “vertigo”. The daughter chimed in and said “no , no, she’s a Libra…” I then chuckled hysterically at her awesome gag. She was dead serious.

Patient comes in with abdominal pain. “I think it’s my gallbladder, ” they say. Seeming over their chart, I consider their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they respond “yeah but it grew back.”

A memorable dame was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking( not because she eas a smoker…duh ). This dame had a mild goitre, and her reason for not ceasing was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was considered. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer ?!?! “. I always required a strong coffee after her.

A memorable dame was utterly convinced that her friend get cancer because she quit smoking( not because she was a smoker…duh ). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not ceasing was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was watched. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer ?!?! “. I always required a strong coffee after her.

Ophthalmologist here. Told patient he required reading glasses which he didn’t believe. I explained that everyone develops presbyopia eventually. “Come on, George Clooney doesn’t wear reading glasses! “. A) yes he does& B) not sure why you are comparing yourself with him…

Had a female patient. Her mommy asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laugh, I said “Your daughter’s scrotum? ” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn’t listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.

The time I was telling the family that the patient is going to die and her laboratory outcomes( pH 6.6, lactic acid 25) are not compatible with life and they said they were pretty sure she would wake up if I set ice in her underpants. Well. Yeah we are not going to do that. She died and they still didn’t believe me she was dead. They maintained trying to aftermath her up.

Doctor here. One we get usually is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body”
Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body”
Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second sentiment. You know how your body ordinarily feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has watched a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

Doctor here. One we get usually is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint appeared perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body.”
Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I merely had a big lunch. I know my body.”
Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second sentiment. You know how your body usually feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

Gynecologist here.
Imagine a revved up version of that dreadlocked beanie-wearing female meme: “Uh, it’s not vuh-JI-nah anymore, it’s pronounced vaah-ZHEE-nah now.”

Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency department to get checked as she was punched in the belly. She wanted to go out for a smoking so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking patter, she stopped me and told me I knew nothing as the newborn would be harmed if she stopped smoking straight away.

Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I fulfilled this witch online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last period i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what exams did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random topics but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you eating?
Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :p oints at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the pouch and what I find was nothing but grinded oregano with something that reeked like chlorine … The patient, sadly, died as a result of a serious sepsis a month subsequently with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I gratified this witch online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last day i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what exams did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, it is essential to do a blood exam to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you eating?
Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :p oints at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the pouch and what I considered was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine … The patient, sadly, died as a result of a severe sepsis a month afterwards with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

Radiographer here and had the ED doctor give me a request for soft tissue neck X-rays and the doctor was p much like “don’t question it, only do it.” Anyway after that patient had left the ED dr came and told him that the gentleman presented to ED at 3am because he had hot milk three days ago and his tongue has been hurting ever since. The patient basically burnt his tongue but was insisting on a X-ray to ensure nothing is wrong.

Woman with this weird abdominal cramping, twitching presentation. I won’t say stupid because she probably had some kind of undiagnosed dementia, but definitely the most bizarre.
Ask her what she is feeling, why she’s twitching her abdomen “It’s like it’s trying to get out! ” “Like what’s trying to get out ma’am? ” “My …. my …. my SPERM! ” “Um ma’am … you don’t have sperm” “Oh”
For those of you curious, by the time I assured her last official diagnosis was pseudoseizures. She had a tendency to start twitching parts of her body whenever we would start asking whether she had twitching in those areas. “Ma’am have you had any twitching in your legs”* she looks at leg, leg starts twitching” “Yeah, I have”.

Med student here, but I have had two winners.
When discussing a precancerous skin lesion on a patient, they opted to use their “laser ray” instead of classic treatment. It was a cancer laser ray that was bought online. It also apparently had “frequencies for arthritis”. They insisted that the vibratory frequency can be tuned to destroy cancer cells, just like a trained singer may be able to use her voice to transgres a crystal glass. The patient did not believe that cancer cells and regular cells would have the same frequency.
Another patient insisted that his cancer had been properly treated at home with baking soda( he gave me a website like phkillscancer.com or something ). The patient also had with them a surgery report in which it seems their baking soda intake resulted in buildup of abnormal calcium in the wall of the stomach, which had to be removed.

When I was shadowing in a peds division, a doc told me how a father of a newborn was against inoculations, even vit K because he supposed the preservatives in them were harmful AS HE WAS EATING A BAG OF F* CKING DORITOS. Family came in like a day afterwards because the kids was about to bleed out.

While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “wait, let’s back up a minute.” Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite use no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she genuinely wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my spouse tried to explain that notion necessitates sperm( sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a human in my life” and she didn’t like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.

I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to vaccinate their newborn because they heard that vaccines were derived from monkeys brains and they didn’t want their child to develop monkey like characteristics.

I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my evaluation she further disclosed that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldnaEUR( tm) t matter aEURoebecause he utilizes a condom every time and he makes sure to rinse it exhaustively after every use.aEUR I asked what she entailed when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he use said condom again..

Not a Doctor, but EMT.
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
She was 25.

A woman came in for a newborn check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the babyaEUR( tm) s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldnaEUR( tm) t be giving her newborn chocolate milk. At which phase she interrupts me and says, “Oh that isnaEUR( tm) t chocolate milk. ItaEUR( tm) s coffee! He merely loves it! aEUR

A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she’s having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was penalty and she went on her merry style. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
A year later she shows up for her doctor’s appointment, and she’s morbidly obese. She must have put 100 lbs on an already obese frame. She’s developed many health problems related to her weight( that she refuses to acknowledge are attributed to her weight. Of course .) She tells us she’s never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn’t changed, her work life hasn’t changed , nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to~ hormones. We ask if she’s breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she’s get the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It ran, so she’s still doing it.
We figure this is how she gained so much weight( she’s probably eating 2 big bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc ), but the woman insists she’s eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it , nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it savor plain, it’s plain.
We send the doctor in to ensure her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He’s in the room with her a long time — much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she maintains her head down and walks off, appearing angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.
“You never asked what brand of oatmeal she’s eating”.
Yeah. Turns out she didn’t know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic entailed plain oatmeal cookies. She was feeing an entire package of Dad’s oatmeal cookies every single day for a year( basically a ‘bowl or two’ filled with cookies ), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.

An older dame was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.
The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running exams to find the source of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats’ prepared the night before.
The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she actually enjoyed them as she feed quite a few.
They then had to sit down and tell this elderly dame that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.

I had a patient that got a fairly nasty infection and became septic after putting collard greens in her vagina for several days because she thought it would induce an abortion.

Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For the individuals who don’t know, it basically shocks your heart if it goes into a funny rhythm.
He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.
I told him not to do cocaine. He kept doing cocaine.

This happened in med school. I was taking the history of a guy in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
He reacted, “oh yeah, I’ve had about 20 of those.”
“…you’ve had 20 heart attack ?? “
“Yup”
“Which doctor( s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist? “
“Nah, I never went to a doctor. My wife is a massage therapist, and whenever a heart attack reach, she starts to massage some pressure phases and it stops.”
“……Uhhhhh, ok……What does it feel like when you have a heart attack? “
“I don’t ever recollect them. My wife tells me that I fall onto the floor and my limbs and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a minute of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired afterwards, and I can’t recollect much of anything that happens to me until I take a nice long nap.”
The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attack. They usually stop on their own after a few minutes( at the most ), and his wife thought that her massages were curing him.

I’ve had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he required both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his repudiation of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.

A female doc I know at my school likes to tell this story as an example of why one must always ask for patient attribution( i.e. “What do you think is causing your problem? “)
Really old guy came in complain of foot ache. He was diabetic. Lady doc already has a diagnosis in mind, but goes through the whole shebang. At the end asks “And what do you think is causing the problem? ” He goes: “I guess I have a tack in my shoe.”
He had a tack in his shoe and couldn’t bending over to get it out. She helped him remove it and he went on his way.

As a self-diagnosing patient…One day notice a white, hard, jagged object protrude from my back gum. Can’t believe I’m having a tooth come in, especially since I’m 23 and had my wisdom teeth taken out years ago. Run to the dentist to get some X-rays annnnd it turns out to be a piece of a tortilla chip.

Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged dame. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we use that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and hear some funny things.
Anyway this dame was in recovery only coming out of the anaesthetic. The squad were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat( for exhaling) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her unbelievable accent:
‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years! ‘
The whole recovery room merely fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.

I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I devoted him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say “I’m fuckin liiiiiit I’m gonna do so many drugs when I get older” to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I’m pretty sure I created a monster.

A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.
She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
The doc takes a quick look and says “My, aren’t we fancy today! “
She and not use her feminine deodorant spraying; she had instead accidentally use her daughter’s glisten hairspray.

Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient’s room responding to his bellow light. He had an accident and pee-pee on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now laying in bed stark naked calling for me. His spouse, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee. Like eyes shut, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee-pee. They were really a bizarre couple.

Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his thumb up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

I went to the doctor to treat my rise throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don’t know this shot goes right into the ass. As he set the needle into my rear end I abruptly had the need to puking. I wasn’t feeling anything until the exact moment of linked with my cheek. I scream STOP and immediately try to run over to the sink where I proceed to trip and fall. Then I only start letting it all out over the floor. I was just laying there on my side blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn’t one of my finer experiences at the doctor.

Farted on my doctor’s hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an especially wet and raspberry voicing one. She giggled and said she’d be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.

I popped a boner on the nurse prepping me for a vasectomy … in front of my wife. During the procedure the doc kept referring to my member as Mr. Happy and talking about how hot the nurse was. The nurse was still on the room btw.

Getting a physical around 11 -1 3 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward ball grab thing. Plainly at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said “cough” I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire where reference is abruptly interrupts me with these words of wisdom “Son, when a human has your balls in his hand you don’t cough in his face.”

Dropped a nasty rotten-egg fart in a patients room. He asked if I smelled anything and I said, “no.” He was silent for a minute, then says, “it smells like food.” He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days because of cancer in his belly. Must have been really hungry if he thought it reeked edible

Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his gasps are definitely burned away but his skin isn’t so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard( guess flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I reeked alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he appeared me immediately in the eye and said, “Nooooo”. I get drunk only standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime put in and I couldn’t help myself. As straight faced and professionally as is practicable I said, “Sir…liar, liar, pants on fire”. The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were chuckling so hard! The patient merely gazed at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.

Heard this story from a nurse friend.
Some guy was dancing in skin tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd.
The guy fainted from the hot and was taken to the ER, where his gasps were cut off.
This revealed that the guy had a duration of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the laughters and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point one of them said something like, “We’ve got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient.” At this point they returned to professional duties.

The other day I had a 400 lb, 50 year old patient who hadn’t pooped in( she claims) 6 days. So I dedicated her all kinds of things to stimulate her go and the moment comes when she feels the recommend. She’s too heavy and unable to do things on her own so she asked for a bedpan. When she turned to her side, stool the sizing and shape of a small newborn or big burrito slid out and I caught it. I looked up at the aide and down at the baby sized poo and back at the aide and did my best not to giggle or make a sound.
All I could think of is how I legit felt like I delivered a baby

I once had the daughter of one of my patients march up to the nursing station, slam the crucial chart down on the desk and yell at me “How dare you say my mother stinks” I’m utterly puzzled by this as no-one had said anything of the kind and ask the daughter to explain what she entailed, she grabs the chart, points to the row of “BO’s” recorded on it and shouts “Here you even had the nerve to write it down” I explained that “BO” meant Bowels Open not body odour before escaping to the staff room to laugh my head off.

I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out becuase “something had tore his throat open”. He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn’t want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I’m seeming, and looking….there is nothing incorrect with this kids throat. Eventually I say look, it seems ok…what do you feel or watch? “I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE”. WHERE ??? Looking, appearing. It was his uvula. Somehow this child had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified….I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their intellects and indicated him his girlfriends uvula. Intellects blown, another life saved in the ER.

I had a patient in her 30 s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that would last 4-6 days and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She only thought she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.

There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she’d utilized her diaphragm EXACTLY as she’d been told.
She carefully inspected it for pits, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it and put it away each morning.
…And then her husband arrived home from his night-shift.

I posted this a while back when a similar topic was asked:
GP here. The most outrageous thing I’ve heard was from a boy who was something like 20 -2 2 years old. Very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad lawsuit of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was “bite the sun”. Basically at noon he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as broad as is practicable and “bite” the sunshine several times so it would “burn” his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple weeks. When that wouldn’t work, scheme B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.

I ran at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24 h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem – she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she’s wearing contacts.
She didn’t like her natural eye colouring, so she had bought a define of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them , not even during night time. Didn’t even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no “foreign materials” in her eyes.
Needless to say, I dedicated her quite the harsh lecturing and a referal to an ophtalmologist.

I’m a med student but I once watched a patient in the ER who came in because she lost her vibrator inside herself. It was still on. She sat in the waiting room for over an hour with that thing in there.

I once ensure a high school aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was use it to reach an itching. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the tale, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn’t ask for any more details. I frankly think she believed that he was just really itchy.

My pharmacist at my old chore was a very beautiful girl. Many people complemented her, but we had one patient that she would literally conceal from( duck under counters, around corners, fake phone calls if he had already seen her ). He said the worst things to her. For example, “if you were my girlfriend I would never let you out of bed.” Which in your reading-stuff-online-mental-voice likely isn’t even worse as it was to have some creepy old lech mouth breathing and leering at you. He would ask her horribly personal topics like if her boob were real and had she ever been with a white guy before( she’s black .) I guess to answer your question, she handled it by avoiding slash conceal from him.

I’m not a doctor, but I’m an ER nurse. I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my evaluation she further disclosed that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he use a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it throughly after every use.” I asked what she entailed when she said he washes it after every employ. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again…

I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a serious attack a few days. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, rinsing bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my mothers agreed to all of this.

Few weeks later, I’m back in the hospital. A doctor distinguished me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head( I’ll never forget that. I thought it was so weird ). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my mothers. When my mothers demonstrated up, he asked point blank, ‘Did you not understand what I told you last period? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal? ‘

‘But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed!

Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of hours people got married with no sex education. One couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sexuality or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was only sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and ensure what happened. They couple came back one more time to say “THANK YOU !!!!! ” and didn’t want any more sessions.

Not a doctor, but I regularly have people come in for eye tests because ‘when I take my glas

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