The Types Of Signature Wedding Cocktails Nobody Wants To Drink

Another wedding topic for me to shit on! Signature cocktails–it doesn’t get much more basic than this. You’re having your country club wedding, and instead of just opening the bar like a normal person, are offering beer, wine, and a signature cocktail.

Depending on what that cocktail actually is depends on how much I get to magistrate you. I understand that having an open bar only isn’t in everyone’s budget( sad ), but offering me a shitty cocktail is unforgivable. There are some basic rules of feminism pulling this shit off that you should stick with unless you want blind-drunk guests and bridesmaids barfing on each other. You’ll thank us later.

1. Think About Your Goddamn Menu

Would you serve a fine late season Chilean Malbec with a goddamn McFish Sandwich? If you would, I hope you choke. Same regulations apply for your signature cocktail and its relation to your menu. If you’re serving a buffet, the world is your oyster. If the cocktail is presented during cocktail hour, prefer something that fits well. Don’t go serving a whiskey sour rip-off with crab cakes and chilled tomato soup shooters, feel me?

2. Don’t Be A Trendy Douche

I usually heart being pretentious, but this isn’t the place, fam. Your cocktail does not need to smoking, or sizzle, or include rare bird spit from Guangzhou. Our advice is to pick a classic and build on it. They’re classics for a reason–no humanely sourced fair trade wild flowers required.

3. Don’t Go Crazy On The Booze

We all love granddad, but once he starts hittin’ the sauce, his groping and orgasm jokes are less than cute and make us all gag. Because cocktails, by nature, are easy to drink, run a little easy on the alcohol. If you load ’em up with three various kinds of liquor, everyone’s going to either black out or get sick, which sounds hilarious, but is less so when you’re left with the cleaning bill.

4. Use Fresh Ingredients

I shouldn’t even need to say this, but freshness countings just as much in your drinkings as it does in your dinner. Picking a cocktail that utilizes fresh fruit and herbs is going to be much more enjoyable than the one use Fireball and Aunt Jemima.

5. Induce It Fucking Snappy

Hey, you know what sucks? Waiting on the bartender to add smoke/ liquid nitrogen/ shake my drinking for 10 minutes when my fucking ballad is coming on. Pick a cocktail that can be made in under three minutes or get out of my life. Do you want a line at the bar winding around your reception hall like a tubular snake? Didn’t think so.

6. Attain It Something You Like

This should go without saying, but motherfucking pick something that you( and like, I guess the groom) actually enjoy. If you met while sipping craft beers, go for a craft brew cocktail. If you met when he accidentally spilled a gin and tonic on you–you get the idea. Plus, it builds for a cutesy narrative that’ll maybe inspire people to add an extra 0 to your wedding gift.

Read more: www.betches.com

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