This Is The Type Of Pasta And Alcohol You Should Consume, Based On Your Breakup

God & Man

The guy who breaks up with you, but then dates your best friend: Spaghetti and meatballs and three shots of Absinthe. Because, god, that just really fucking sucks and it’s best to forget it for at least a few blissful, blurry hours.

The guy who says “You’re a great girl, but I’m not looking for anything serious.”: Fettuccine Alfredo and a bottle of Cabernet because modern dating is actual shit and at least this has some goddamn substance.

The guy who says he “isn’t ready for a relationship”, but then is FB official with someone else 13 hours later: Straight Bourbon and baked ziti because it’s warm and toasty, unlike your heart. Cheers, bitches.

The dude you never dated/talked to/only saw once at the bar, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING: Yes this was never really a “real” breakup, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN, OK? So this calls for vodka cream pasta and some iced cold champagne because you’re worth it (and he never was).

Your forever person breakup: Pad Thai, Drunken Noodles and a side of Lo Mein paired with a whole bottle or two of sparkling rose because sex with this person was never that great anyway.

The “ghosted you before you even went on a date” guy: Creamy pesto and a tall glass of Chardonnay because you can count on feeling satisfied with this!

The “went on a few dates with and ghosted you after sex” guy: Hot ramen noodles and a pint of Miller Lite because you give no fucks. Bottoms up.

The “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup: A shit ton of three cheese ravioli and a tall glass of hard apple cider because it tastes better than he ever did.

The “I love you but I want to explore the wild” dude: A whole pot of macaroni and cheese downed with spiked seltzer because you deserve more than just regular seltzer tbh.

The “almost relationship” that lasted for three years: Gnocchi with a shit ton of butter and herbs, paired with Bud Lite Lime because you’re ORIGINAL.

The “ex you go back and forth with for five years but then find out he’s getting married in a week” breakup: A Mac and cheese grilled cheese sandwich with an IV of cheap boxed wine running through your veins because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

The dude you broke up on a whim only to find years later that he’s actually the one who got away: Chicken Parmesan with six gin and tonics because love is a cold, cold game.

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