5 Things That Will Turn Your Bodily Fluids Straight-Up Alien

November 8, 2017

It’s a statistical fact that going to see a doctor is worse than a biting a sandwich and receiving a really long hair enrobed in warm mayonnaise hanging from your lips afterwards. No one likes the doctor. You go to the doctor when their own lives depends on it. It is due to our instinct for self-preservation that we suffer these givers of bad news and prodders of genitals. Our inconvenience is in no small proportion related to the fact that weird, embarrassing shit is often afoot when you need a doctor. Something has operated super wonky, and this is necessary a professional to work it out for you. Because sometimes you just go jamming your food cavity full of shit that runs a fun home chain in your body and induces everything work like a Nickelodeon cartoon that constructs no sense but is, more or less , not a super big deal.

5

How To Shit A Rainbow

I write about poop more than a respectable adult should, but if I don’t do it, who will? In that spirit, let me tell you about what’s wrong with your butthole. For most of us, our 34 daily turds came by without a hitch. We sit down, spend a half-hour playing on the phone, open a window, and windsprint away from the room when no one is looking so we can’t take the blame for the acrid wasteland of hopelessnes we’ve left with. But what happens when all doesn’t go as planned?

Like the poor children of the ‘7 0s who suffered Frankenberry’s pink poo frighten, modern deuce aficionados have to be wary of what they ingest, because your insides are working in the dark and have no way to sort out the ungodly mess you hurl at them in a way that won’t be harrowing if you feed the incorrect thing. For instance, Burger King’s infamous Darth Whopper or whatever the fuck they called that needlessly black hamburger they made a while back. That thing straight up induced you shit green.

Most of us have come to accept that falling the children off at the pool is going to be predictable, within reason. Maybe you’re having a robust day and lay out a caber that a Scotsman would be proud of, perhaps you’re having a mousy day and peppering the bowl with niblets. That’s your bargain, and I’ll not discuss it further. But texture and circumference aside, we tend to expect it to not look like Slimer merely shot out the back entrance and had pool party in the shitter.

The Black Whopper didn’t only give you spinachy turds; it turned your ass-smudgings full-on Green Goddess green. The bun were supposed to be tinted with A1 steak sauce, and must have utilize some kind of amazingly concentrated various kinds of the seasoning to provide the bad luck of the Irish that followed.

Pepto Bismol is another crap shoot for your crap, as the belly narcotic has a habit of turning your ass into a portal to a dark underworld of seething black hatred. The bismuth in Pepto can blend with sulfur in your GI tract and turn as black as the spirit of the damned. Just imagine the confidence you’ll have in your diarrhea medication if you take a few doses and then release a torrent of angry midnight into the lavatory. That’s your insides telling you it’s time to try Imodium.

Slightly more terrifying that a Pepto obsidian squirt is the apparition white shit you’ll get if you have to endure a barium sulfate shake at the hospital. Barium sulfate is typically used when you have to have an x-ray or CT scan and the doctors want to see what’s going on in your guts. The barium goes in, coats your insides, and helps scans pick up any areas of concern. They’ll mix it into a shake or somesuch that you need to ingest an hour or two before the actual scan, and then you’re good to go. Regrettably for some, as the barium is excreted out the back entrance, it has a tendency to go all White Walker in your bowels and suck the spirit out of your otherwise-healthy turd, leaving it a pale, frightening straw of a white monstrosity that you’ll probably stare at with an arched eyebrow for a moment or two before actually constructing that flush manage hard.

4

Specific Teas Can Make Your Urine Smell Delicious

Being the matured individual that you are, you’ll likely have no those who are interested in my bathroom reflections. You might want to only brew up a hot cup of herbal tea and sit down and read the serious run of a serious journalist who would never point out that your just made your piss pit into a goddamn waffle house. In your face, serious journalism fan!

You may have encountered maple syrup urine disease in your travels — a condition characterized by the intense need to piss all over an IHOP. Wait , no, that was something else. But the disease does induce your pee reek like delicious( but not delicious) maple syrup. So it’s likely a little embarrassing if you happen to reek that when you’re letting loose in between binged episodes of Ozark .

Turns out the genetic disorder isn’t the only cause of the smell, however, as Fenugreek tea also seems to have a similar repercussion on your plumbing. Fucking a maple tree will possibly do it too, but I haven’t heard back from the intern I sent out on that test run. In any event, if you start reeking like you’ve been using flapjacks as a dick bib, merely try to recall your tea-drinking habits before you get too bent out of shape over it. There are other things to worry about when it comes to the hang of your wangle, anyway.

While stanky pee is patently a phase of anxiety, you’re likely also going to be taken aback should the day arrive when your splendid golden nectar starts sputtering out like a bloody rainbow sprinkler attachment. I distinctly remember a day in my first apartment when I had realise groceries were a thing you needed to actively used to go and buy if you wanted a variety of food in your home, and thus I was forced to raid my closets in desperation for whatever I had handy. My aunt, who was almost raised by humen, had brought over a number of arguably edible substances as a housewarming gift, and that was the narrative behind the ten cans of beets in my pantry.

So I feed beets. I eat four cans of beets. And later that day, my piss “re coming out” so red that I briefly considered the prospect I had contracted Ebola at some phase earlier in the week. It was like the Kool-Aid man was pranking me by standing behind me and pissing simply between my legs. I’d ever seen anything like it. And somewhat worse was that I genuinely had to piss, so I had to stand there and finish for what seemed like an impossibly long time as this crimson deluge raged forth, hoping to god I didn’t pass out from blood loss and end up unconscious in the bathroom covered in blood piss.

3

Certain Foods Can Induce You Sweat Cat Piss

Ever take the city bus? It’s like travelling to Narnia if the trip-up takes too long, and Narnia fucking detests you. I used to bus to work all the time back in the working day, and the journey was literally 90 minutes to get where I was going, so I had a lot of time to really stew in the experience. One thing I noticed with disturbing regularity was the number of people who reeked like their cat had tried to inter them in the yard that morning.

My mom had a thing for cats, so I always had a few in the house growing up, including one who presumed a good substitute for a litter box was wherever he happened to be when the piss “re coming out”. So the smell of cat piss is seared into my brain. I’d know it at 50 yards. And there were a handful of bus people who clearly left their clothes within reach of their cats. Or so I thought!

Turns out if you’re a big fan of protein but maybe not so much a fan of carbs, you’re defining your body up to burn protein for energy and excrete ammonia as a waste product. That ammonia comes out through your sweat glands mixed with all the various other glandular juices that construct you into the musky delight we all want to be trapped next to on a hot day on public transport. So when you run for the bus and work up a sweat, what comes out is basically your own personal brand of cat piss.

I’ll never know for sure if those bus people were all simply ham fanatics who loathed rice and bread or if they legit had 50 cats at home. I entail, some of them clearly had the 50 cats at home, but I can’t paint everyone with the same brush. I guess what I’m saying is that you can’t judge a book by its cover-up, and you can’t magistrate a cat owned by the eye-stinging odor of piss that hangs about them in a cloud.

Fun side note: That cat I had when I was a kid? Wholly pissed on a pair of my jeans in sixth grade, and I’d clearly run nose-blind to the whole deal, so I went to school the working day stinking like a goddamn alley cat’s tangled backside. Really helped me figure out who my real friends were.

2

Vegetables Can Turn Your Skin Full-On Oompa Loompa

If you were a kid from the ‘6 0s through the ‘8 0s, “skin tone” was a racist crayon. Nowadays, those of us who only use Tiki torches in the yard for campfires know that there’s a little more to skin color than all that, and humen have a number of hues and tones. None of them, with maybe one notable exception, are orange. There merely aren’t orange people. Not ordinarily, anyway.

As it happens, the saying “You are what you eat” kind of applies here, thanks to a condition called carotenemia. A number of super healthy veggies — like carrots, for example — are packed to the gills with beta-carotene, a thing they say on commercials when they talk about healthy stuff, and that necessitates it’s good for you. But like Alien movies and alcoholic milkshakes, too much and you’re treading in dangerous territory.

That excess of beta-carotene in your body can and will start turning you colorings, from a pale yellow all the way to a distinct orange if you’re not careful. Like colloidal silver turning your ass blue, carotenemia will turn you a delightful tint of tangerine dream. Even if you alter your diet to feed like a normal human and less like a rabbit, you’re potentially looking at a few months of life on the golden side of things.

1

All Up in Your Blood

You like your blood, right? You keep it pretty close by, try not to leave it laying around in restaurants or flea market, and you definitely don’t flashing it around in Vampire Town. It’s got to be super off-putting to discover that you’re living their own lives as a red-blooded Canadian( or whatever you are — Alsatian, Martian, etc .), only to discover that shit isn’t red at all.

A 42 -year-old man was supposed to be get surgery when physicians took a few moments to appreciate that his blood was a darknes, verdant green. That’s not a usual thing, you know. Like those no-account Vulcans and their lack of iron in their hemoglobin, this fellow also had some serious hemoglobin issues. Specifically, he was suffering from the not-at-all-difficult-to-say sulfhaemoglobinaemia, a condition wherein sulfur molecules get all up on your hemoglobin like some pervy bro at a club.

So how does one get sulfhaemoglobinaemia? You can’t even get that shit on Amazon. In this man’s suit, it was Sumatriptan. Sumatriptan is a migraine drug, marketed as Imitrex and a few other names, and this guy was taking a shitload of it. How much of it? Somewhere between the recommended dosage and a “turn you blood green” dose. So if you have an issue with migraines, do yourself a favor and follow the directions. Because even if green blood voices cool, that shit will probably kill you eventually. And that’s not logical. Watch what I did there? Vulcan humor.

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