What we want our boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, to buy us for Christmas
Santa baby, pull me closer.
You’ve definitely heard The Chainsmokers’ hit bangers this year, but you may not know that they are our boyfriends. Probably because we are the only ones talking about it for some weird reason, but whatever.
This holiday season, Drew and Alex are going to have to crush it with gifts in order to win back our affection after refusing our Venmo requests.
Here are things we would like our boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, to buy us for Christmas many of which are conveniently available at gas stations and women’s health clinics.
1. Venmo me $1.29
Famously, I requested money from The Chainsmokers on Venmo. At first, they rejected the request, but then they sent me $5. However, they have more songs, and I’d like to buy them, so sending me $1.29 is still a good gift.
Driving around the city in a broke down car will be much less anxiety-inducing knowing I have reliable access to roadside assistance.
Price: $67 for a one year membership, including the enrollment fee. But as I’m sure Drew Taggart would say, my safety is priceless.
3. A Dunkin’ Donuts Gift Card
I, regrettably, was not at Dunkin’ Donuts with The Chainsmokers for the historic moment when they became Grammy nominees, but I would like recreate the scenario ASAP.
Price: At least $5 so I can can get a seasonally appropriate beverage and an off-brand cronut, but preferably somewhere between $20-$100.
I’m not saying I started smoking cigarettes because The Chainsmokers made it seem cool before I found out that they don’t even smoke, but I would like some nicotine gum for Christmas.
For making out with my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
For pool parties in Tuscon.
The perfect beach read to go with my new anti-aging cream from my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
An affordable, chill option for my favorite erogenous zone, my shoulder.
So I can text my friends as many of the relevant lyrics from The Chainsmokers as I want.
Stealing mattresses sucks and theres a lot of effort and guilt that goes into that, so maybe I can just buy myself a new one instead.
Price: Up to you and your generous wallet
12. CD of Sarah Hyland Covers
Are you even a band if Sarah Hyland hasnt covered you? No.
Her Closer cover shines, so maybe burn a copy onto a CD with that Maroon 5 cover too so I can listen to it when Im not listening to Roses on repeat.
Price: However much you paid for that old blank CD in your desk drawer
So I can prank all my friends and make them chug some Smirnoff Ice at my next house party!
I would love to rep a great school in a great town that totally deserved that shout out in a great song. There’s nothing I love more than higher education, and The Chainsmokers and I have that in common.
15. Ping Pong Table
Id imagine this is what The Chainsmokers do when they have free time backstage, so I want to do it too.
Its easy to work up a sweat when I dance around my room to but with The Chainsmokers sports bra, I would have all the support I need.
What else am I gonna do when I tailgate The Chainsmokers concerts?
Because the frickin funniest movie of all time isnt on Netflix, Im gonna need my boyfriends to buy me this so we can Blu-ray and Chill.
It’s important that I stay safe with my boyfriends.
20. $10 Bill
I will use this for the cover charge at a well-known NYC speakeasy themed club, where I could be photographed with my boyfriends.
21. Adderall Prescription
Now Ill be able to stay focused as I do close readings of the lyrics to Closer. Ooh, is this lyric about me? is something I might say while I do my close readings.
Price: Depends on the prescribed dosage and their insurance plan, which, despite my constant begging, they refuse to grant me access to.
22. A Wet T-Shirt
Ive got a contest to win, baby! And when I win, I wont just win for myself, but for my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, too.
23. Snow Tube
What I wouldnt give to shred down a mountainside while I scream, I love my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers!
24. Breast Cancer Screening
This will prove that no one cares more about women’s health than The Chainsmokers.
Price: Unspecified, again due to insurance plans…
25. Flannel Shirt
I will never put my arms in this shirt, but I will tie it around my waist every single day. Its a good look and I want to look good for my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.
For snackin’ with my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, duuuuuh!
27. Loaf of bread
When I listen to the bangers of my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, I can get a little hungry. And the food their jams make me crave the most is just a big ol’ loaf of white bread.
Price: $1-100? The Chainsmokers likely have no idea how much bread costs.
Weird that The Chainsmokers are Snapchatting from a party I definitely was not invited to at 3 a.m. and are also in bed right beside me.
Price: $20 each, as well as the rights to the photos of The Chainsmokers I will have printed on the pillow.
2016 was the year of realizing that the Chainsmokers are my boyfriends.
30. Mug With A Hoop
The hottest gift of the season is the Mug With A Hoop, so it only makes sense that my boyfriends get it for me.