What we want our boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, to buy us for Christmas

February 4, 2017

Our hot boyfriends, The Chainsmokers
Image: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

Santa baby, pull me closer.

You’ve definitely heard The Chainsmokers’ hit bangers this year, but you may not know that they are our boyfriends. Probably because we are the only ones talking about it for some weird reason, but whatever.

This holiday season, Drew and Alex are going to have to crush it with gifts in order to win back our affection after refusing our Venmo requests.

Here are things we would like our boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, to buy us for Christmas many of which are conveniently available at gas stations and women’s health clinics.

1. Venmo me $1.29

Famously, I requested money from The Chainsmokers on Venmo. At first, they rejected the request, but then they sent me $5. However, they have more songs, and I’d like to buy them, so sending me $1.29 is still a good gift.

Price: $1.29

2. AAA Membership

Image: aaa.com

Driving around the city in a broke down car will be much less anxiety-inducing knowing I have reliable access to roadside assistance.

Price: $67 for a one year membership, including the enrollment fee. But as I’m sure Drew Taggart would say, my safety is priceless.

3. A Dunkin’ Donuts Gift Card

I, regrettably, was not at Dunkin’ Donuts with The Chainsmokers for the historic moment when they became Grammy nominees, but I would like recreate the scenario ASAP.

Price: At least $5 so I can can get a seasonally appropriate beverage and an off-brand cronut, but preferably somewhere between $20-$100.

4. Nicorette

Image: amazon

I’m not saying I started smoking cigarettes because The Chainsmokers made it seem cool before I found out that they don’t even smoke, but I would like some nicotine gum for Christmas.

Price: $34.35

5. Rosebud Salve

Image: sephora

For making out with my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.

Price: $6

6. Blink-182 Flip Flops

Image: blink 182

For pool parties in Tuscon.

Price: $10

7. Anti-Aging Serum

8. The Picture of Dorian Gray

Image: amazon

The perfect beach read to go with my new anti-aging cream from my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.

Price: $6.99

9. Some Temporary Tattoos of an Otter DJing

Image: amazon

An affordable, chill option for my favorite erogenous zone, my shoulder.

Price: $4.99

10. Unlimited Texting Plan

Image: at&t

So I can text my friends as many of the relevant lyrics from The Chainsmokers as I want.

11. Gift Card for Casper

Image: Casper

Stealing mattresses sucks and theres a lot of effort and guilt that goes into that, so maybe I can just buy myself a new one instead.

Price: Up to you and your generous wallet

12. CD of Sarah Hyland Covers

Are you even a band if Sarah Hyland hasnt covered you? No.

Her Closer cover shines, so maybe burn a copy onto a CD with that Maroon 5 cover too so I can listen to it when Im not listening to Roses on repeat.

Price: However much you paid for that old blank CD in your desk drawer

13. Six Pack of Smirnoff Ice

So I can prank all my friends and make them chug some Smirnoff Ice at my next house party!

Price: $8.95

14. University of Colorado Boulder Merch

I would love to rep a great school in a great town that totally deserved that shout out in a great song. There’s nothing I love more than higher education, and The Chainsmokers and I have that in common.

Price: $34.99

15. Ping Pong Table

Image: walmart

Id imagine this is what The Chainsmokers do when they have free time backstage, so I want to do it too.

Price: $97

16. Chainsmokers Sports Bra

Its easy to work up a sweat when I dance around my room to but with The Chainsmokers sports bra, I would have all the support I need.

Price: $32

17. Melodica for making music on the go

Image: amazon

What else am I gonna do when I tailgate The Chainsmokers concerts?

Price: $17.21

18. The Hangover on Blu-Ray

Image: amazon

Because the frickin funniest movie of all time isnt on Netflix, Im gonna need my boyfriends to buy me this so we can Blu-ray and Chill.

Price: $7.59

19. Diaphragm

Image: amazon

It’s important that I stay safe with my boyfriends.

Price: $14.99

20. $10 Bill

I will use this for the cover charge at a well-known NYC speakeasy themed club, where I could be photographed with my boyfriends.

Price: $10

21. Adderall Prescription

Image: joe raedle/Getty Images

Now Ill be able to stay focused as I do close readings of the lyrics to Closer. Ooh, is this lyric about me? is something I might say while I do my close readings.

Price: Depends on the prescribed dosage and their insurance plan, which, despite my constant begging, they refuse to grant me access to.

22. A Wet T-Shirt

Image: hollister

Ive got a contest to win, baby! And when I win, I wont just win for myself, but for my boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, too.

Price: $14

23. Snow Tube

Image: amazon

What I wouldnt give to shred down a mountainside while I scream, I love my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers!

Price: $24.99

24. Breast Cancer Screening

Image: andreas rentz/Getty Images

This will prove that no one cares more about women’s health than The Chainsmokers.

Price: Unspecified, again due to insurance plans…

25. Flannel Shirt

Image: amazon

I will never put my arms in this shirt, but I will tie it around my waist every single day. Its a good look and I want to look good for my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers.

Price: $30

26. Muddy Buddies Chex Mix

Image: amazon

For snackin’ with my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, duuuuuh!

Price: $3.14

27. Loaf of bread

Image: amazon

When I listen to the bangers of my two boyfriends, The Chainsmokers, I can get a little hungry. And the food their jams make me crave the most is just a big ol’ loaf of white bread.

Price: $1-100? The Chainsmokers likely have no idea how much bread costs.

28. Custom Body Pillow

Image: amazon

Weird that The Chainsmokers are Snapchatting from a party I definitely was not invited to at 3 a.m. and are also in bed right beside me.

Price: $20 each, as well as the rights to the photos of The Chainsmokers I will have printed on the pillow.

29. Kylie Jenner “Like, Realizing Stuff” Tee

Image: kylie shop

2016 was the year of realizing that the Chainsmokers are my boyfriends.

Price: $35

30. Mug With A Hoop

Image: amazon

The hottest gift of the season is the Mug With A Hoop, so it only makes sense that my boyfriends get it for me.

Price: $24.00

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