For Just $ 220, You Can Look( And Fuck) As Good As Gwyneth Paltrow

March 29, 2017

Gwyneth Paltrow, she of vagina steaming renown, is so infamous for her bougie shitbaggery at this point that making fun of her for being a haughty asshole is about as original as calling Donald Trump a racist. But in a way, that’s actually an apt comparing. The same way Donald Trump continues to find new and interesting talking points that would build Jefferson Davis say “that was way harsh, Tai, ” Gwyneth consistently comes up with new and costly ways to rids her pristine body of the horrendous filth that the great unwashed ingest every day. Yesterday, she shared her morning “smoothie”( her scare-quotes , not mine ), and it’s, uh, interesting. Here’s the recipe, politenes of the 😛 TAGEND

Obviously, there’s nothing too weird here until you get to the shit you can’t pronounce. Those are examples of something called “moon juices, ” which are in fact not made from the moon but from fruits, vegetables and bullshit holistic ingredients that don’t do anything. The “moon dust”( also not of the actual moon, I learned) is made from stevia and other inert ingredients, depending on the type of dust. Gwyneth recommends, among other things, the “Sex Dust” to assist sex function, because you know she likes to ride that dick like she stole it.

Thealso broke down the costs of the ingredients, and amaze amaze, it’s expensive as fucking. The whole batch will run you about $220, depending on how much fucking dust you like in the morning. They very helpfully separated the costs into dollars, and also some other currency which is clearly made up 😛 TAGEND

Now, calling it $220 is a little disingenuous, because that’s for the whole starter kitwith these ingredients, you’d get 12 smoothies out of it before you had to reorder something( the moon dust ). I did the math, and it comes out to about $11.50 per serving( more if you want to quantify a “pinch” of the last two things, which I did not ). That’s still a shit-ton more than Robeks charges, but I guess if you’re the type of person to jolt steam up your vagina, spending $12 every morning isn’t a huge bother.

I’m sure this a tasty smoothie, but the whole phase of smoothies is that they’re cheap, easy ways to get a lot of nutrients into your body in a way that’s easy to digest. You don’t need to expend a month’s rent on lunar fucking dust to be healthy, and in fact here are some smoothie ideas to get you started.

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